Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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