I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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