i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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