I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
