dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
