i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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