this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
