Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
