Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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