I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
