Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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