this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
