I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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