She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Someone shattered a urinal.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
