I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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