I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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