I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
