Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
