You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't deserve a penis
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
