He uses pillows to masturbate.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
