just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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