I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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