the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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