I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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