"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
