You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
