you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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