singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
