all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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