So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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