I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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