I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
