So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
