Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
