yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
