yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
