I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
do herpes really smell.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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