Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
drinking out of a sandbucket again
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
