if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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