This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
