I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
