Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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