I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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