The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
