I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
