why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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