you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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