1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
