you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
