I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
