i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
