dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
