yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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