The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
