made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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