I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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