Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
